Your child’s tantrum may be saying more than you think: Psychologist shares 5 things good parents do to build emotional intelligence

September 10, 2026 - 13:30

Tantrums, angry outbursts, and difficult behaviour are a normal part of growing up. A toddler may scream when told "no," a school-age child may storm away when upset, while a teenager may slam a door or refuse to talk. For parents, these moments can be exhausting. It can be tempting to immediately stop the behaviour, argue with the child, or lose your temper. But according to psychologist Juli Fraga, there may be a better way to respond. Fraga, a psychologist and co-author of "Parents Have Feelings, Too," explains that children often express difficult emotions through their behaviour. Instead of looking only at the behaviour, parents can try to understand what their child may be feeling underneath it. Here are five approaches she recommends.

The first step is to pause before reacting. When a child melts down, the adult's nervous system can spike too. Taking a breath creates space to respond rather than react. Second, name the emotion you see. Saying something like "You seem really frustrated right now" helps a child connect feelings to words. Third, validate the feeling without accepting every behaviour. A parent can say "It is okay to feel angry, but it is not okay to hit." Fourth, stay close and calm. Children often need a parent's steady presence more than a lecture during a storm. Fifth, talk about it later. Once everyone is calm, a short conversation can help a child learn what to do differently next time.

Fraga notes that building emotional intelligence is not about eliminating tantrums. It is about teaching children to recognize, name, and manage their feelings over time. Parents who practice these steps can turn hard moments into chances for connection and growth.